blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize