I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
