Soap is not a condiment
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize