New low: just hacked my moms facebook
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
