I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
