"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize