Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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