I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
