Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
