Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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