even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
