When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
porn star boner night. come get it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
