So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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