i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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