i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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