I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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