I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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