Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
