I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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