I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
