thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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