Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
