remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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