The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize