I'm so fucking centered right now
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
