My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
