someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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