My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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