Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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