she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
