I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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