It's Friday. Sex?
i was born a porn star she said
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
