Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
