guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
