it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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