Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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