I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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