Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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