i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
