Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
operation harelip BJ is a go
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize