I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
