were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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