o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
