my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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