she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
