woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
