Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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