Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
