I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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