Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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