But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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