should my penis look like a turkey
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
