If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
