ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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