The best revenge is premature balding
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
