I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
