I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
