Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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