i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
